My Life on Rat Poison or Part II of "The Story"

These are the first pictures/the first time I saw my baby:

Our pediatrician took them with his iphone the night Eve was born. I woke up from the anesthesia at about 1 AM. I remember having a fairly coherent conversation with the nurse attending me, but I can't remember what was said. I think I asked if my little girl was okay, and the nurse asked me her name. Apparently, Richie wouldn't tell anyone her name because he wanted me to be the first one to say it. Richie came in and showed me her pictures. I started to cry because she was so beautiful. She had all ten fingers and toes; she was perfect in every way imaginable. After carrying her for 33 weeks, I knew we were going to be good friends, but I had no idea that she was going to be so beautiful, and touch my heart so deeply. The rest of that night was blurry, all I know is that the nurses kept checking in with me every hour or so, so I didn't sleep much. Later that morning they had me pump for the first time, which made me vomit afterwards. I can't even remember that last time that happened! But that was the effects of the anesthesia. You will be happy to know that I now pump constantly and have been able to keep my cookies untossed.

At two in the afternoon I was able to go down to the NICU to see Eve for the first time. Richie wheeled me into her room and I gasped to see how small she was! Pictures, even with other references there to compare size, do not fully give the sense of just how tiny this little girl is. Her fingernails were the size of sesame seeds. A nurse wrapped her in a blanket and set her in my arms. She was connected to various pieces of equipment and there were about 4 or 5 tubes or cords attached to her, which makes it awkward sometimes to hold her, but she was not on oxygen anymore (her lungs are awesome). But holding her for the first time was incredible. I couldn't believe that this little person was my baby. The love one feels for their child the first time is impossible to explain. It's something that you feel so instictively and so deeply that you almost don't realize that you feel it until you try to quantify it or at least acknowledge it. All I can say is that there were many tears shed at that point. In fact, I'm crying as I write this, so tears are still being shed, and will most likely continue to be shed until I die. If you can't tell, I'm still a little emotionally vulnerable.

(I would post a picture of me holding her for the first time, but my face was still so swollen that I look positively putrid and will spare myself the embarrassement. I still don't have a good mother and baby shot, I need Richie to become a good photographer! )

Eve was doing quite well despite her rocky start until Wednesday morning. Dr. McKenna (our pediatrician) came into my room quite solemn. Eve's stomach was disstended and she was in the radiology department at that moment having x-rays done to figure out why her stomach was expanding. It turned out that her bowels were plugged up with mucous and meconium, and so she couldn't pass anything out of her body, causing her belly to swell painfully. She had to have a barrium enema, and then she was on suppositories the next few days (one every three hours!). It was so sad! We got to see her after she came back from the enema, and her stomach looked fit to burst. The skin was hard, tight and red. She was not happy. But she eventually started to pass stools (a little bit here and there) and returned to normal.

I, on the other hand, was a complete basket case that day. I could not stop sobbing. They sent a social worker student to me (I think they were afraid I'd really start to freak out) but really, I just needed time. I sobbed the whole day Friday when I was discharged from the hospital and I went home without my baby. That was a very hard day. I also noticed that my calf was sore, but it felt just like a slightly sore muscle. When I woke up on Saturday however, it was very very tender and painful. I called the hospital, but the on-call doc asked if I had any other symptoms of a blood clot, which I did not. The whole weekend it was very sore however, and on Monday, a NICU nurse said that I should definitely see my doctor about it. So on Tuesday (exactly one week after having Eve) I went to get my blood pressure checked and I told the nurse I had to see a doctor about my leg. I didn't get to see my doctor, but the one I did see told me I needed to get an ultrasound done on my leg.

I went to the hosptial that night for my ultrasound. I didn't think they would find anything, but they ended up discovering two different clots in my left calf. So then I had to be admittted into the emergency room. The whole process took about four hours. I am now on Coumadin, a blood thinning pill, and Lovenox, a shot Richie has to give me twice a day in the stomach. Interesting fact: the ER doctor told me that coumadin is literally rat poison. Did you know that rat poison basically causes rats to hemorrage and bleed to death? That is terrible! Thank you, ER doctor, for keeping me so informed. As if I wasn't freaked out enough already.

So, there is happiness to the end of this story. At least, so far there is. Eve is doing awesome! She's just over three weeks old, and has gained almost a whole pound. She is now over 18 inches long and weighs 4 lb 13 oz. She is eating and pooping just fine, and I am even able to nurse her twice a day, which is amazing. We are hoping to bring her home soon! (Though she might be coming home with oxygen and a heart monitor, but we'll just figure that all out when the time comes.) She is a very special girl, and we are so blessed and happy and excited and a little terrified to have her in our lives. And we'd also like to thank everyone, all of you, who have prayed for us and thought of us and served us as we have started this epic journey. Thank you thank you! We love you all.

A Study in Surrealism, or "The Story"

Look at this little girl:

One can already recognize the flicker of a mischevious nature on her face. That must be one of the reasons why she came SEVEN WEEKS EARLY! cheeky monkey...

Monday, January 26th started out as a normal day. I had my lazy morning, did some grocery shopping, watched The Notebook made dinner. Actually, it was a lazier day than normal because I had been feeling unwell all weekend; just blah, very low energy, not much appetite, and my hands and feet had started swelling to uncomfortable proportions. My right hand had actually started to go numb. I called the doctor's office that day to see if they wanted me to come in, but they said that all they would do would be to take my blood pressure, and I decided that since I had a doc appointment later that week, there was no need to go over there. The last few appointments I had high blood pressure, but none of the other symptoms that go along with toxemia or eclampsia, so I wasn't too worried about it.

That night we went to our Lamaze class and (ironically) toured the hospital and watched c-section video tapes. We came home a little after 8:30. At nine I went upstairs to change into my pajamas. I was pulling my shirt off when I felt a gush a warm liquid between my legs. I got scared, but thought that it was amniotic fluid. I pulled my pants down and saw blood EVERYWHERE. I was in shock! I screamed Richie's name a couple times. All I could do was just stand there, staring at the blood. Richie came upstairs. Now, Richie hates blood and guts and needles and that sort of thing, so I thought he was going to freak out more than me, but he saw the blood, grabbed my hand and very calmly said, "let's go, right now." So we dashed to the car and drove to the hospital.

That 10 minute ride to the hospital was the longest car ride of my life. I was not in any pain, but very very scared and I could still feel the bleeding. We went to the emergency room, where I think they thought we were idiots because it was hard to see all the blood through my dark jeans. I think they thought that my water had just broken and we were freaking out for nothing. They wheeled me over to the labor and delivery section of the hospital. When I stood out the wheelchair, there was a huge puddle of blood and the girl just went "oh," like she finally realized just what we meant by "she's 33 weeks pregnant and bleeding between her legs!"

As I changed into my hospital gown I looked down at my legs and realized that they were grotesquely swollen. My blood pressure was extremely high, and they were having a hard time getting the fetal heart rate monitor to pick up Eve's heartbeat, and that was very distressing. Richie was getting pretty frustrated. They called my doctor and set up an ultrasound, but they said the machine was old and that they really didn't know what they were looking at or looking for. Finally my doctor came in and found the heartbeat, and got an ultrasound tech to come in and help her decipher what they were seeing. As this was going on, I started to have regular back pains, which turned out to be contractions. I couldn't feel my uterus contracting at all, but the back pain was bad. I also felt something firm and warm slip out between my legs and I started yelling "there's something coming out between my legs!" My doctor reached down and pulled out a blood clot about the size of a pear. Richie said "oh!" and looked a little green. After that, Dr. Blackett had to keep reaching up into my vaginia and pull out fistfuls of blood clots. That really hurt. She also checked my cervix and I was dialated to a two.

All this time, I never thought that I was going to have my baby that night. I thought for sure that they would figure out how to stop the bleeding, and the labor, and even if I was in the hospital for the next two months, I never thought I would have the baby that night. The ultrasound showed that my placenta had "abrupted," and part of it had pulled away from the uterine wall. Dr. Blackett checked my cervix again and I was dialated to a 3. She told me that they were going to monitor me to see if the bleeding and labor would stop. "If not," she said, "we're going to have to have to deliver her by cesarean section." For some reason, I thought the monitoring would be over the course of days. But she said "no, we'll monitor you for about half an hour, so the surgery will be tonight."

That was the point that I started crying. Up until then I was very scared and frustrated, but pretty calm and collected. After everyone left the room however, and it was just me and Richie, I just started crying. I was not ready for this baby to come! We had nothing for her, not even a car to take her home in. I had a bunch of material at home that I was going to sew into crib bedding. I had a birth plan, I was so prepared for a natural vaginal birth in March. I was so excited to have a Spring baby close to my birthday. I did not want to have this baby in January, seven weeks early, by c-section. And mostly, I was so worried that she would die, or that there would be some horrible complications. And also, I was a little worried that I would die. I mean, surgery is surgery--it's always a big deal. I had never been in the hospital for anything my entire life! I was a healthy woman.

Richie held my hand and talked to me. He also gave me a blessing of health and safety. Richie was a stalwart husband and very caring and worried. I am so so grateful for him. I don't know how I would have survived this experience without his constant love and support.

About 11:30 Dr. Blackett came back into my room with the anesthiesiologist (sp?). There was no change in me, and because my placenta was not functioning, they would not stop the labor. They had to deliver my baby. Dr. Blackett wanted to give me a spinal block, but the anesthiesiologist decided that because of my blood loss (I lost over 2 liters of blood that night) it was too risky and I had to go under general anesthesia. I had never had surgery before, and it was the most surreal experience to be wheeled into the operating room with it's bright lights and scrub-clad nurses everywhere. I remember being lifted onto this very skinny table, with my arms stretched out to the sides like Jesus on the Cross. The only thing I could see was my reflection in the light glass above me, and I saw nurses painting iodine or something brown all over my naked belly. The face mask thing was put over my mouth, and I heard everyone talking about how they were going to cut me open. I said "I'm not under yet!" And that is the last thing I remembered until I woke up.

Eve bottle feeding with Dad. She's a good sucker! Her face is so tiny!

Part II of "The Story" to be continued...