Paying for Stuff

...sucks. I'm reading "Little Women" to Eve right now and I can totally sympathize with the March girls and their lack of luxury. Then Marmee comes in and smacks you upside the head with guilt trips that would make a grown man cry. I should be more grateful.

eve in her bear jacket that aunt annette gave her...I love the little ears!

We just got local phone numbers. I guess we really are living here!

eve and her daddy like to play "flying baby!"

My Beef

So, I am going to discuss something that has been on my mind for a while: my beef with so called "doctors." Well, I guess they're real doctors.

I have become well accquainted with my OBGYN and to a slightly lesser degree, our pediatrician, not to mention countless nurses, social workers, lactation consultants, medical billing specialists etc. I also have many friends in med school, or whose spouses are in med school, or PAs or what have you. And I can definitely understand the pressures of doctors, the expense of becoming a doctor, and the always exasperating futility of dealing with stupid, stupid people. In fact, I'm sure doctors see more than their fair share of stupid people. That being said-

The relationship that is created between doctors and their patients is one of the most important artificial relationships that a person becomes involved with. And it leads to feelings similar to that a real relationship, at least, for me it does. I experienced some of the highest of the high moments with my OBG, definitely my most terrifying moments, and some of my lowest of the lows. And all this leads to a heart-rending "on again off again" rollercoaster for me.

At one point, you are the center of their universe, and nothing could ever be more important than YOU. And then the next week, when you go in for your umpteenth blood draw appointment, they barely have time to smile at you. Not less than three times did my doctor (her nurse actually--god forbid a doctor acutally talk to a patient!) forget to call me with test results which led to me not taking proper medicine. I had many many questions for her, and I couldn't get ahold of her at all. I asked the nurse to have her call me, or at least address some issues. I didn't ask for her home phone number or anything like that, I'm not stupid. I just wanted to ask the professional I'm paying thousands and thousands of dollars to answer my questions. One phone call. I have never even spoken to her in her office. And the same goes for my pediatrician. He didn't even come into the NICU the day Eve was discharged! And none of the nurses at his office know what is going on with Eve, so they never correctly answer my questions, even when I tell them the whole story.

I guess what I'm tring to say is this: when dealing with non-stupid people, or in my case, very intelligent people, don't treat them like they're dumb, or unimportant. Don't forget to talk to them and answer their questions. Just because I chose not to go to med school does not mean that I am less of a person. In fact, I'm confident with a month's training, I could correctly perform most minor surgeries. But I digress. I am always sad when I realize that I will never be as important to my doctor as he/she is to me. It's the classic unrequited love story. I give and give and give, and they say nice/terrifying things to get you into the proverbial bed, and then "forget" to call you the next day.

If doctors are like this because they are overworked, then I think it's their duty and obligation to established patients to reduce the workload, thus allowing them to better diagnose and heal. If doctors act like douches because they are selfish and think they're better than their patients, then they need to spend some time performing douches on themselves to clean out all the crap.

I love my doctors. But they hurt me emotionally. They have the unfair advantage of being the only option when it comes to serious medical matters, people become dependant, the cycle continues...

okay, I'm done complaining now.

Here are some cute pics of Eve:

Eve and I on our first stoller walk!

I never thought I would put my baby in a bonnet. But I did, and it's cute!

Eve in her Easter dress. She kept making goofy faces. This is the most normal of them.

Richie took this picture. He calls it "Crazy Eyes."

Eve in a beautiful sleeper dress that her aunt Heidi and cousin Katrina gave her. I want her to be blessed in it if she'll still fit it in three weeks!

Sisters are Special

Today is my sister Nicole's birthday! She is the big 25--a quarter of a century. She is quite the darling girl, and I am excited for her blogspot debut. My birthday was on the 26th of March, so we are exactly 2 years and 5 days apart. Nicole has led the life that I dreamed about living: she has visited and lived in many exotic climes including Peru, Costa Rica, China and Hawaii to name a few. She recently returned to the US after serving an 18 month LDS mission in the Netherlands, so she knows how to speak Spanish and Dutch as well as English. She graduated with a BA in Business from Westminster University. Yep, she's pretty much an all around spectacular person. As her older and only sibling, I feel her next step is find the perfect man (if anyone can do it, it's her). The question now is: what man dares to align himself with such a strong woman? One who knows how to roast her turkey and eat it too?

No joke! this is really how she eats every meal!

Eve at the birthday party last Saturday (3/28)

Eve had her two month/two week doctor's appointment today. She grew two inches and gained 7.5 ounces! Her stats are now 7.7 lb, 20.75 inches. We are so excited! She is doing well. Also, the best news of all is that she no longer has to be on the pulse oximeter! YAY! We hated that thing, although I nursed her without it and I was very nervous without that yellow, digital reassuring beep that she was breathing and maintaining her sats okay. Here are a couple of little video clips of her first bath in the NICU. They are part of a much longer video, and I tried to put together a shortened version, but didn't have enough room on the drive(?) It was only a 3 minute clip, it has to work somehow, but I will deal with it later. For now, here are just two little blips of it.

7=0 (?)

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Eve's due date is today! With her adjusted age, she is now at the ZERO mark. So all developmental stages start here at this sort of ground zero place. But as you can see from some pictures this morning, she has already started developing a highly acute and funny sense of humor. Sometimes she is a sneaky leprechaun, other times a screaming banshee, but always my sweet bonny lass.

Eve's biggest modeling infulences include Calvin from "Calvin & Hobbes" and Ben Stiller in "Zoolander"

Lovenox is Not Pretty

In order to get my blood thinner, I had to take a shot in the stomach twice a day for over a month. Thankfully, that is over now, I just have to take a pill. But during the last week I was on the shots, Richie accidently knicked one of my veins and I got the most gnarly, disguting, painful bruise. It actually looks pretty good in these pictures--I should've taken some while it was still at its worst stage. But these give an idea. I'm actually proud of it--a war wound of sorts. Please ignore my jello-like post-partum stomach. That's scarier than the bruise.

I wrote a couple of haiku about my bruise:


scarlet petaled bloom
tattoed across the belly
multi-colored pain


a shot to the gut
silently enters and bursts--
rainbow punch smears hard


I've been trying to get a good picture of Eve so I can make and mail birth announcements. Every time, every time, I try to do a photo shoot with her, this is what happens:

Eve loves her baths about 90% of the time. Otherwise, she's screaming. She's going to be a water baby like her mama. She actually looks like a real baby with chunk rolls! Or at least, the beginning of fat rolls. On Friday she weighed 6 lb 5 oz. Tomorrow is her due date--she'll be seven weeks old tomorrow too. She's grown out of her preemie clothes, but is still too big for newborn stuff. But I am sad to see my tiny daughter move on--she's so cute and small!

Funniest Show on Earth? (Mars Might Have Something Better...Nah...)

I have plenty of photos to post of Eve, and some really cute video too. (But it needs to be edited. I don't think you, my dear reader, wants to see 20 minutes of her cooing and giving gas grins; though she is sooooo darling when she does!)

But I need a break from talking about my life. So today I'm throwing down a quote from the TV show "The Office." Proof that it is THE most hilarious thing on television. I'm so in love.

A list created between Jim and Dwight while trying to plan the ideal birthday party for Kelly in the office:

beer
fighting to the death
cupcakes
blood pudding
blood
touch football
mating
charades
horse hunting

O Glorious Day, She's Home At Last!

Readers, my heart has never been swollen with more joy, nor have I ever been so exhausted in all my life! After nearly five weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit, our daughter Eve has come home! What an unimaginable journey this has been, and will continue to be, I'm sure.

in her carseat for her ride home!

Eve was originally scheduled to come home last weekend, but as Murphy's Law would have it, our pediatrician went out of town that weekend, and Eve decided to start choking on her bottle feedings, causing her heart rate to drop and her oxygen saturation levels to drop. She had been put back on oxygen to see if that would help her desats (dropping oxygen levels), which it did to some degree, but not as much as we hoped it would. After she started her choking spells, I knew she wouldn't be coming home last weekend, which made me very sad and frustrated. However, a neonatologist from Odgen came up to Logan on Thursday, and took a look at her. He has been a neonatologist for over 30 years, and he said that he thought nothing was wrong with Eve, but that she is just a preemie, and she's doing what preemies do: taking a little extra time to work things out. We've decided that her desats were caused by reflux, even though she doesn't spit up much. He thought she might be a week younger or so than originally thought, which would explain why she wasn't growing out of her bradycardia (heart rate suddenly dropping). But he suggested taking back off the oxygen and seeing how she did her feeds.

she loves her new play n' pack bassinett

with dad after her bath--note the darling, tiny ducky outfit--Eve looks pretty good too

For the most part, she feeds excellently. She will still desat sometimes, but we have oxygen here at home so that if she needs it, she can have it. She is also on an oxcimeter (spelling?) which means there's a little probe on her foot connected to a machine that will beep if she falls below a certain oxygen level. But no more stickers, tubes, needles, IVs, or anything else on her face and body! I had never seen her face without something stuck on it or in it until yesterday. And hopefully her reflux will not be a problem as she gets older. I'm am hoping she gets off the machine soon, because it beeps ALL THE TIME.

i love her preemie outfits--polka dots and giraffes are tres chic

Let's cross our fingers that we'll never step foot in the NICU again. Eve is home! I am finally a real mommy! She is home, she is home, she is home!

kangaroo care with mom--also the first day she nursed!

My Life on Rat Poison or Part II of "The Story"

These are the first pictures/the first time I saw my baby:

Our pediatrician took them with his iphone the night Eve was born. I woke up from the anesthesia at about 1 AM. I remember having a fairly coherent conversation with the nurse attending me, but I can't remember what was said. I think I asked if my little girl was okay, and the nurse asked me her name. Apparently, Richie wouldn't tell anyone her name because he wanted me to be the first one to say it. Richie came in and showed me her pictures. I started to cry because she was so beautiful. She had all ten fingers and toes; she was perfect in every way imaginable. After carrying her for 33 weeks, I knew we were going to be good friends, but I had no idea that she was going to be so beautiful, and touch my heart so deeply. The rest of that night was blurry, all I know is that the nurses kept checking in with me every hour or so, so I didn't sleep much. Later that morning they had me pump for the first time, which made me vomit afterwards. I can't even remember that last time that happened! But that was the effects of the anesthesia. You will be happy to know that I now pump constantly and have been able to keep my cookies untossed.

At two in the afternoon I was able to go down to the NICU to see Eve for the first time. Richie wheeled me into her room and I gasped to see how small she was! Pictures, even with other references there to compare size, do not fully give the sense of just how tiny this little girl is. Her fingernails were the size of sesame seeds. A nurse wrapped her in a blanket and set her in my arms. She was connected to various pieces of equipment and there were about 4 or 5 tubes or cords attached to her, which makes it awkward sometimes to hold her, but she was not on oxygen anymore (her lungs are awesome). But holding her for the first time was incredible. I couldn't believe that this little person was my baby. The love one feels for their child the first time is impossible to explain. It's something that you feel so instictively and so deeply that you almost don't realize that you feel it until you try to quantify it or at least acknowledge it. All I can say is that there were many tears shed at that point. In fact, I'm crying as I write this, so tears are still being shed, and will most likely continue to be shed until I die. If you can't tell, I'm still a little emotionally vulnerable.

(I would post a picture of me holding her for the first time, but my face was still so swollen that I look positively putrid and will spare myself the embarrassement. I still don't have a good mother and baby shot, I need Richie to become a good photographer! )

Eve was doing quite well despite her rocky start until Wednesday morning. Dr. McKenna (our pediatrician) came into my room quite solemn. Eve's stomach was disstended and she was in the radiology department at that moment having x-rays done to figure out why her stomach was expanding. It turned out that her bowels were plugged up with mucous and meconium, and so she couldn't pass anything out of her body, causing her belly to swell painfully. She had to have a barrium enema, and then she was on suppositories the next few days (one every three hours!). It was so sad! We got to see her after she came back from the enema, and her stomach looked fit to burst. The skin was hard, tight and red. She was not happy. But she eventually started to pass stools (a little bit here and there) and returned to normal.

I, on the other hand, was a complete basket case that day. I could not stop sobbing. They sent a social worker student to me (I think they were afraid I'd really start to freak out) but really, I just needed time. I sobbed the whole day Friday when I was discharged from the hospital and I went home without my baby. That was a very hard day. I also noticed that my calf was sore, but it felt just like a slightly sore muscle. When I woke up on Saturday however, it was very very tender and painful. I called the hospital, but the on-call doc asked if I had any other symptoms of a blood clot, which I did not. The whole weekend it was very sore however, and on Monday, a NICU nurse said that I should definitely see my doctor about it. So on Tuesday (exactly one week after having Eve) I went to get my blood pressure checked and I told the nurse I had to see a doctor about my leg. I didn't get to see my doctor, but the one I did see told me I needed to get an ultrasound done on my leg.

I went to the hosptial that night for my ultrasound. I didn't think they would find anything, but they ended up discovering two different clots in my left calf. So then I had to be admittted into the emergency room. The whole process took about four hours. I am now on Coumadin, a blood thinning pill, and Lovenox, a shot Richie has to give me twice a day in the stomach. Interesting fact: the ER doctor told me that coumadin is literally rat poison. Did you know that rat poison basically causes rats to hemorrage and bleed to death? That is terrible! Thank you, ER doctor, for keeping me so informed. As if I wasn't freaked out enough already.

So, there is happiness to the end of this story. At least, so far there is. Eve is doing awesome! She's just over three weeks old, and has gained almost a whole pound. She is now over 18 inches long and weighs 4 lb 13 oz. She is eating and pooping just fine, and I am even able to nurse her twice a day, which is amazing. We are hoping to bring her home soon! (Though she might be coming home with oxygen and a heart monitor, but we'll just figure that all out when the time comes.) She is a very special girl, and we are so blessed and happy and excited and a little terrified to have her in our lives. And we'd also like to thank everyone, all of you, who have prayed for us and thought of us and served us as we have started this epic journey. Thank you thank you! We love you all.

A Study in Surrealism, or "The Story"

Look at this little girl:

One can already recognize the flicker of a mischevious nature on her face. That must be one of the reasons why she came SEVEN WEEKS EARLY! cheeky monkey...

Monday, January 26th started out as a normal day. I had my lazy morning, did some grocery shopping, watched The Notebook made dinner. Actually, it was a lazier day than normal because I had been feeling unwell all weekend; just blah, very low energy, not much appetite, and my hands and feet had started swelling to uncomfortable proportions. My right hand had actually started to go numb. I called the doctor's office that day to see if they wanted me to come in, but they said that all they would do would be to take my blood pressure, and I decided that since I had a doc appointment later that week, there was no need to go over there. The last few appointments I had high blood pressure, but none of the other symptoms that go along with toxemia or eclampsia, so I wasn't too worried about it.

That night we went to our Lamaze class and (ironically) toured the hospital and watched c-section video tapes. We came home a little after 8:30. At nine I went upstairs to change into my pajamas. I was pulling my shirt off when I felt a gush a warm liquid between my legs. I got scared, but thought that it was amniotic fluid. I pulled my pants down and saw blood EVERYWHERE. I was in shock! I screamed Richie's name a couple times. All I could do was just stand there, staring at the blood. Richie came upstairs. Now, Richie hates blood and guts and needles and that sort of thing, so I thought he was going to freak out more than me, but he saw the blood, grabbed my hand and very calmly said, "let's go, right now." So we dashed to the car and drove to the hospital.

That 10 minute ride to the hospital was the longest car ride of my life. I was not in any pain, but very very scared and I could still feel the bleeding. We went to the emergency room, where I think they thought we were idiots because it was hard to see all the blood through my dark jeans. I think they thought that my water had just broken and we were freaking out for nothing. They wheeled me over to the labor and delivery section of the hospital. When I stood out the wheelchair, there was a huge puddle of blood and the girl just went "oh," like she finally realized just what we meant by "she's 33 weeks pregnant and bleeding between her legs!"

As I changed into my hospital gown I looked down at my legs and realized that they were grotesquely swollen. My blood pressure was extremely high, and they were having a hard time getting the fetal heart rate monitor to pick up Eve's heartbeat, and that was very distressing. Richie was getting pretty frustrated. They called my doctor and set up an ultrasound, but they said the machine was old and that they really didn't know what they were looking at or looking for. Finally my doctor came in and found the heartbeat, and got an ultrasound tech to come in and help her decipher what they were seeing. As this was going on, I started to have regular back pains, which turned out to be contractions. I couldn't feel my uterus contracting at all, but the back pain was bad. I also felt something firm and warm slip out between my legs and I started yelling "there's something coming out between my legs!" My doctor reached down and pulled out a blood clot about the size of a pear. Richie said "oh!" and looked a little green. After that, Dr. Blackett had to keep reaching up into my vaginia and pull out fistfuls of blood clots. That really hurt. She also checked my cervix and I was dialated to a two.

All this time, I never thought that I was going to have my baby that night. I thought for sure that they would figure out how to stop the bleeding, and the labor, and even if I was in the hospital for the next two months, I never thought I would have the baby that night. The ultrasound showed that my placenta had "abrupted," and part of it had pulled away from the uterine wall. Dr. Blackett checked my cervix again and I was dialated to a 3. She told me that they were going to monitor me to see if the bleeding and labor would stop. "If not," she said, "we're going to have to have to deliver her by cesarean section." For some reason, I thought the monitoring would be over the course of days. But she said "no, we'll monitor you for about half an hour, so the surgery will be tonight."

That was the point that I started crying. Up until then I was very scared and frustrated, but pretty calm and collected. After everyone left the room however, and it was just me and Richie, I just started crying. I was not ready for this baby to come! We had nothing for her, not even a car to take her home in. I had a bunch of material at home that I was going to sew into crib bedding. I had a birth plan, I was so prepared for a natural vaginal birth in March. I was so excited to have a Spring baby close to my birthday. I did not want to have this baby in January, seven weeks early, by c-section. And mostly, I was so worried that she would die, or that there would be some horrible complications. And also, I was a little worried that I would die. I mean, surgery is surgery--it's always a big deal. I had never been in the hospital for anything my entire life! I was a healthy woman.

Richie held my hand and talked to me. He also gave me a blessing of health and safety. Richie was a stalwart husband and very caring and worried. I am so so grateful for him. I don't know how I would have survived this experience without his constant love and support.

About 11:30 Dr. Blackett came back into my room with the anesthiesiologist (sp?). There was no change in me, and because my placenta was not functioning, they would not stop the labor. They had to deliver my baby. Dr. Blackett wanted to give me a spinal block, but the anesthiesiologist decided that because of my blood loss (I lost over 2 liters of blood that night) it was too risky and I had to go under general anesthesia. I had never had surgery before, and it was the most surreal experience to be wheeled into the operating room with it's bright lights and scrub-clad nurses everywhere. I remember being lifted onto this very skinny table, with my arms stretched out to the sides like Jesus on the Cross. The only thing I could see was my reflection in the light glass above me, and I saw nurses painting iodine or something brown all over my naked belly. The face mask thing was put over my mouth, and I heard everyone talking about how they were going to cut me open. I said "I'm not under yet!" And that is the last thing I remembered until I woke up.

Eve bottle feeding with Dad. She's a good sucker! Her face is so tiny!

Part II of "The Story" to be continued...

Eve Belen Barkume Peterson

Announcing seven weeks early, the Debut of the Decade:

Eve Belen Barkume Peterson

3 pounds 14.8 ounces

17.5 inches

January 27, 2009 12:07 AM by emergency cesarean section

I Heart LOST

ONLY ONE MORE WEEK

Crazy Cat Lady

I never thought I had the potential to be a crazy cat lady until we adopted Lucy. I seriously love this cat more than most things in life. She is the GREATEST! When Richie moved to Logan last year leaving me in Oregon solo, I was so grateful to have her little self there at home to welcome me back from work, watch Lost DVDs with me until the wee hours of the morning, and generally remind me that I was loved. Pets are fantastic. I will always feel pity for those out there who just don't value the love of a good animal.

No, we do not dress our cat. Lucy has allergies (to what remains the big mystery. We think they're food allergies.) which cause her to continuously lick herself raw. It is very sad, and occasionally the outbreaks will be bad enough that she has to wear a cone or an "Elizabeathian collar." This is her in her collar when we first adopted her. I eventually had to sew tulle around the edges, making this look like even more of a fancy dress, because she figured out a way to lick her belly. During this phase we called her "Space Cat." Yes, there was a song.

Lucy always has been and will always remain a giant bed hog. She looks grumpy. Shouldn't have awoken her from her 18 hour cat nap.

Likes: yogurt, ice-cream, string cheese, Planet Earth dvds, the fish tank, exploring outside, the laser, neck rubs, chin scratches, drinking from my glass (or any liquid container that is not her water dish), the heater vent under the bed, cuddling, attention

Dislikes: her cone, cold/wet weather, cat nip, children, the vaccum, loud cars, being left alone, baths, pills, most cat toys